A Therapist’s Guide to Betrayal Trauma Recovery
Takeaway: Betrayal trauma cuts deep—whether it comes from infidelity, broken agreements, or hidden behaviors that shatter trust. The good news is that healing is possible, and recovery can lead to stronger self-awareness, healthier boundaries, and more authentic relationships. In this post, I’ll shed light on exactly what betrayal trauma is and how to start taking steps toward healing.
Betrayal isn't just about "cheating." It's what happens when someone you trusted breaks an important agreement, whether that's a marriage vow, a promise of emotional exclusivity, or specific boundaries you've established in an open or polyamorous relationship. It could even be financial infidelity, an emotional affair, or disputes within a family over a will or estate.
When trust is broken, it doesn't just affect your relationship(s)—it impacts your entire nervous system. Your body goes into protection mode. It may make you question not just your partner, but your own judgment, your intuition, your ability to trust yourself. Past hurts that you thought were resolved might suddenly feel fresh again.
If you're dealing with the aftermath of betrayal, you're not alone. Many people experience breaches of trust in their relationships, often without talking about it openly. There's no shame in seeking support. Healing takes time and patience, and it helps to work with someone who understands both the neuroscience of trauma and the path toward recovery.
Hi, I'm Francesca Maximé, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, and Relational Life Therapy Couples Coach based in Brooklyn, New York. As a biracial, multicultural woman with extensive training in trauma recovery and mindfulness practices, I specialize in helping individuals and couples heal from betrayal trauma through body-based, trauma-informed, and culturally sensitive approaches. Here, I’ll shed light on what exactly betrayal trauma looks and feels like, steps you can take to start healing, and my approach to helping people recover.
What counts as betrayal?
Betrayal happens when the agreements that define your relationship are violated. These agreements look different for every couple:
In monogamous relationships: This might be physical or emotional affairs, secret communications with others, hiding significant aspects of your life, financial infidelity, or even something like a gambling addiction that’s kept secret.
In consensually non-monogamous relationships: Betrayal might include:
Connecting with someone who was agreed to be off-limits, either in the past or present
Breaking communication agreements about other partners
Violating safer sex protocols
Developing deeper feelings when you'd agreed to keep things casual
What matters most isn't the specific behavior, but the violation of trust within your particular relationship structure. Identifying precisely what aspect was broken or violated is an important step in healing.
Symptoms of betrayal trauma
Betrayal trauma lives not just in our thoughts, but in our nervous systems, our bodies, our very cells. It's important to recognize that your reactions—however intense or surprising—are your body’s attempt to protect you from the pain that comes with a breach of trust.
Emotional symptoms
Shock and disbelief: Feeling like your world has turned upside down overnight.
Intense anger or rage: Directed at your partner, the situation, others in your family, people in your social circle or professional life, or even yourself.
Grief and sadness: Mourning not just the betrayal, but the relationship you thought you had.
Anxiety or hypervigilance: Always waiting for “the other shoe to drop.”
Shame or self-blame: Wondering if you could have done something to prevent it.
Physical symptoms
Sleep disturbances: Difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or having nightmares.
Changes in appetite: Eating too much or too little as a way of coping.
Racing heart or panic symptoms: Your nervous system is on high alert.
Difficulty concentrating: Trouble focusing at work, in conversations, or even on daily tasks.
Relational symptoms
Loss of trust: Struggling to believe your partner (or anyone) again.
Withdrawal or isolation: Pulling away from friends, family, or your partner.
Fear of intimacy: Avoiding closeness to protect yourself from being hurt again, or trying to get close again too quickly as a way to pretend the betrayal never happened or to “move on” before real healing has happened.
Conflict escalation: Arguments become more frequent or intense as emotions run high.
While these reactions are uncomfortable, they make complete sense. Your nervous system is trying to protect you from further harm. With the right support and tools, these responses can shift over time and move into a different place that can feel more settled.
How to heal from betrayal trauma
Healing betrayal trauma takes time and support. While there’s no quick fix, there are steps you can take to begin feeling more grounded and safe, both within yourself and in your relationship.
1. Notice what’s happening in your body right now
Healing begins with awareness. Take a moment to notice: Are your shoulders tense? Is your breathing shallow? Are you clenching your jaw? There's no need to change anything—just notice. This simple practice starts to rebuild the connection between your mind and body. No need to change anything—just focus on noticing and saying a quiet “hello” to the part of you that’s hurting.
2. Help your nervous system regulate
Your nervous system has been in overdrive. These practices can help signal safety:
Breathing: Try extending your exhale longer than your inhale.
Movement: Gentle walking, stretching, or shaking can help discharge stored tension.
Grounding: Feel your feet on the floor, notice what you can see, hear, and touch around you.
Rest: Your body needs extra sleep and downtime to recover.
Looking for more? Try these somatic therapy exercises or these polyvagal therapy exercises, too.
3. Lean on safe support
Talking with trusted friends or family can remind you that you’re not alone. Choose people who will listen without judgment and respect your boundaries, rather than pushing you to “get over it.”
4. Work with different parts of yourself
You might notice different aspects of yourself showing up—the part that's angry, the part that wants to fix everything, the part that wants to leave, the part that feels hurt. All of these responses are normal and understandable. Instead of judging these reactions, try to approach them with curiosity. These IFS exercises can help walk you through this process.
5. Practice self-compassion
It's common to blame yourself after betrayal. You might wonder if you weren't enough or should have known something was wrong. Recovery requires treating yourself with kindness. The betrayal is not your fault, and your pain makes complete sense.
6. Take it one step at a time
Recovery isn’t linear. Some days will feel better than others. Trust that each small step—whether it’s setting a boundary, naming your needs, or simply getting through the day—is part of the larger healing process.
When to consider betrayal trauma treatment
Some people can begin healing betrayal trauma with support from loved ones, while others find that the pain feels too big to manage alone. There’s no “wrong time” to start working with a therapist or coach, but there are signs that reaching out for professional support may be especially helpful for where you’re at in the process:
You feel stuck in intense emotions that don't seem to improve over time
Daily activities feel overwhelming—work, sleep, and relationships are all affected
You're caught in cycles of self-blame that feel too big to handle alone
The idea of trusting anyone again feels impossible
You want to work on your relationship but don't know how to do it safely
You're considering ending the relationship and need support with making that decision
Therapy or coaching offers a safe, nonjudgmental space to sort through the chaos, understand your reactions, and find a path forward. Whether the goal is rebuilding trust with your partner or focusing on your own healing, I can guide you through the process in a structured, supportive way.
My approach to helping partners overcome betrayal trauma
There’s no one-size-fits-all way to recover from betrayal trauma. Some people heal best through individual coaching or therapy, while others need a mix of individual and couples/relationship work. What matters most is finding an approach that helps you feel safe, supported, and understood. In my work with people recovering from betrayal, I combine several evidence-based approaches:
Relational Life Therapy (RLT) provides tools for honest communication, accountability, and rebuilding trust—whether you're working to repair your current relationship or preparing for future ones.
Intimacy From the Inside Out (IFIO) uses Internal Family Systems principles to help you understand and work with different aspects of yourself that show up during trauma and recovery.
Somatic Experiencing helps work directly with your nervous system, allowing your body to process and release trauma responses naturally.
Mindfulness practices teach you how to stay present with difficult emotions without being overwhelmed by them, and how to treat yourself with compassion during the healing process.
These can all be powerful tools in healing betrayal trauma—whether your path forward is to repair the relationship, redefine it, or move on separately.
Final thoughts
Healing from betrayal doesn't mean going back to who you were before—that person has been changed by this experience. Instead, it's about discovering who you're becoming. It's about:
Rebuilding trust in your own perceptions and intuition
Developing clearer boundaries about what you will and won't accept
Learning to communicate your needs more directly
Deciding what you want your relationships to look like going forward
You don't have to have it all figured out right now. Healing happens one step at a time, and it's okay to take as much time as you need.
If you're ready to take steps toward healing, I'm here to support you. Together, we can create a healing space to process what you've been through and help you rebuild trust—first in yourself, and then in your capacity for healthier relationships.
